EGO and FEAR

I know if I blog about fear one more time, my blogger followers are going to abandon me, but it is hard not too. Fear is something I struggle with more and more in my life. I keep believing and having FAITH in GOD, to push all the fears aside. However, it is hard out here for a pimp!

I will start by saying, that I hate blogging about auditions, however, this entry IS about an audition. Everyone knows one of my dream roles is Simba in the Lion King! So I went in for Simba about two weeks, ago. I got a callback for Simba, and was so excited, and all prayed up. Studied the material, had my acting objectives, beats, tactics, everything. I even did some research for the role. I coached with my vocal coach on that song. Which is a very tough song, it needs lots of breathe support, and pacing, so that you make it through. J.R. was ready to break out of the chorus and make his dream role come to life. When I finished doing all the material, I was told "My acting was great, but the song sounded like a pop gospel song". I needed to sing the whole song with straight tone, and no vibrato, and thinking more African then pop rock! OK I said, do you know how hard it is to sing with no vibrato? I sounded like a thirteen year old boy in the Harlem boys choir. I was so focused on the singing, that all the acting I rehearsed went out of the window, and my emotional connection, that was in tact the first time, was completely lost! Then the bad news came, I was told that they wanted a bigger sound at the end. "What"? "A bigger sound?" "I am belting my face off", (so I thought)! Then after all that, I will not be attending the final call for the creative team. I was told " We will call you back in for us, in six months"! "I think you are so right for the role, but I want you to work on singing in straight tone, and finding a bigger sound"! "Then come back in for us"! OUCH!!!!! My ego was in full swing now, I left thinking I'm not going back in for that show. F**K YOU (sorry for the language, but you needed to know how I was feeling)! Then a friend told me to look at this as a challenge, and work on it, "they like you" she said, go back in six months and give them what they want. I didn't want to hear that at the time, so I said "NO, I will not be waisting my time with that"! Today on the tread mill, I realized that FEAR again had kicked in, and I became afraid of failure, and not being able to produce what they wanted. That fear, made my ego, turn into a fierce monster. I want to thank my friend, for the encouragement as she was so accurate. I know now, that my dream is not dead, and Simba will be mine! Thank you GOD, for giving me FAITH, and thank you sound mind, for giving me the courage to admit what was going on in my crazy head!