Pick Up My Purse & Go…

 

Hello Lovelies! I’m taking a bit of a break from my typical subject matter to let you guys have a peek behind the curtain that is my life.

The title of today’s post says it all; I am ready to pick up one of my haute handbags and go. Calling my current state a rut is a gross understatement. In my mind, I’m selling most of my material trappings and bidding adieu to Chicago and my job. Lately I have been pretty miserable. I try to hide it because I don’t want to be a dark cloud to others. The truth is I took my current job because I was tired of job hunting. Having been unemployed for nineteen long months, I was at my wits end and my savings were nearly depleted. I took the first thing that was offered to me. Big. Mistake. My job is just that…a job. It’s not my dream job, but I give all my energy over to it because I conditioned myself to do well in the workforce years ago. I refuse to fail at anything I do.
Inside little pieces of me are being pushed out and I’m moving further and further away from the things I want to pursue. I spend eight hours a day at work, staring at a computer, poring over spreadsheets, and reading reports. By the time I make it home, all I want to do is rest which translates into no energy to blog, no desire to be around people, and my dreams remain on hold.

I wear my emotions for all to see. If I’m mad, you know it. If I don’t like you, trust me you will know from the look on my face. At work, I’m very focused on the work and I interact very little with my coworkers. I’m sure my office mates can tell that I’m not as jovial as I was when I first came on board. It’s not the job, it’s me. After three months, I had to face the reality that I do not like my job. You all have no idea how guilty I felt when I said that out loud. Wasn’t I being ungrateful? Millions of people are out of work, and I have the nerve to not like my job. I had a lot of damn nerve! Had I not spent countless nights praying for a job? Did I miss something while I was out of work? Was I too focused on working again when I should have been pursuing my dreams? I never know what to choose when I come to the fork in the road. I don’t have the security of a significant other who can handle the bills while I do me. Everything falls on my shoulders. I have to take care of myself. If I don’t work, I don’t eat, I could end up homeless. Those thoughts terrify me and keep me stuck in a job and city that each day I loathe just a little more. I’m too old to go back home to mom and at thirty-faux (*smile*) shouldn’t I have it all figured out by now?

I’m supposed to be somewhere else doing something else. Wouldn’t it be grand if I knew where and what? I have a mantra taped to my wall at work: NONE OF THIS MATTERS. I am on the path to my purpose. I am seeking a change. This is what I do, not who I am. I look at those words about ten times a day. I pray the answers come soon because I am slowly but surely losing the battle that is going on inside me.

Thanks for reading my mini vent! I'll be back with my normal fabness (is that a word???) really soon.

I WILL SMILE TODAY IN HAPPINESS

Friends:

My friend last night called me out on a few things! I was being very insecure and petty, about a situation, and I respect my friend so much for making me see the light! I don't want to be that person, that hates on others, because of my own insecurities, and fears. This was something I thought about for a while! Thanks for having a friend, that I can trust to call me out!

Love:

Last night I saw two very special cast mates perform there original music, at a small little club in Japan! Not only did I enjoy the music, but the scene made me want to fall in love again! I came out of there with a new out look on life, and love! These two sang songs about love, one about missing her love. The other about the love that was standing right next to him. My face froze, my heat pounded, as tears slowly rolled down my cheek. The music was playing all through my body, and the sounds of there angelic voices roared through my heart! When it was all done, I realized I want to fall in love!!!

Lost a Friend:

For so long, I have had a small crush on a friend, OK a huge crush, LOL, which is a strange place to be in! Last night, I opened my heart, and told the friend how I felt! The friend, didn't respond the way I wanted them too. It was a very interesting exchange, the words, crushed my heart, and tore it into pieces! I lost a friend, but gained freedom! I feel free, I don't feel locked up anymore. I finally let the cat out of the bag! Although, it didn't turn out in my favor, I'm no longer locked to a secret, and strange feelings.

Happiness:

I am so happy today, because I have grown about 3 inches! Last night, the tears, and crushed heart. Now I am stronger than ever, and ready to move on with my life! GROWTH, growing, learning, transitioning!!!! GOD is an awesome GOD, and I know, all these trials and searching is for a good reason! I know that LOVE will come to me soon. I'm confident, that time heals everything! If you look at me from the outside today, you may see a tear, and you may see sadness, but underneath it all the growth equals happiness.

I WILL SMILE TODAY IN HAPPINESS